We are family.

My older brother, Simon, came for a treasured, albeit short visit on Friday. A quick meeting on his whirlwind trip 'home' from Germany, where many are vying for his attention. Just over 24 hours of hanging out, playing with kids, eating too much and togetherness.

I love togetherness. Family. Being with and caring for someone who's years are so intricately woven with your own. So much so, that I actually felt quite teary all afternoon and evening yesterday, after dropping him at the ferry. The kids were equally bummed out. Lane's blue eyes shining with tears.

I always marvel at how our relationship has developed. Considering it wasn't started conventionally. He, and my other brother Rick, are technically STEP brothers. The three of us, along with my little sister Genna, thrown together at the whim of our parents fancy. We were young. Aged 3 to 10. Us girls having known no father, being that our Mom and birth father separated before we retained any memories, with no lasting contact during our childhood years.  (I am extra blessed to now be close with that side of my family as well.)  Bringing us to the table with an essentially clean slate and no preconceived notions, emotions or wounds. For the boys...not so much. They were older. The had the memories of their parents being together, and, sadly, the pain of them not. I can't imagine how they felt. Their view or opinion of us. I know how I'd feel, as a Mom, having a new family in my kids' lives. Not happy. Let alone two little boys with huge feelings and no adult logic to see it from. Regardless, we made it. And, funnily enough, us four truly made it, beyond that marriage too.

As we sat and chatted and laughed together, my heart was happy. We may not be blood. But we have a bond, cemented with stories, shared memories, and good hearted ribbing, that makes us as much family, as anyone else, in ways that matter.

We remember, and can laugh now, at the tears and fear when 3 out of 4 of us became lost in Disneyland. At how then teenage Simon turned down a trip to Hawaii with the rest of us to stay home with a girl. At Ricky's gravity defying, bleached hair. My compulsion to rub my cheeks when excited. Genna's awful run of braces, headgear and surgeries. And our parents' union, marriage, divorce.

We've come through, in my opinion, so much richer for it all. 4 siblings. Nieces and nephews. Spouses and Inlaws. Years of laughter, stories, jokes, tears, drama. Good times and bad. But. Still together.

For that, I am forever grateful. Proud, blessed and happy to say I have one sister and two brothers.

Much love, to all three of you.

Smiles, Be well,

Crystal

Feeling cagey.

It has been awhile. I know that. Thanks to those who are still around and actually read this. :)

I'm feeling cagey lately. At odds. Unsettled. Like a walker incessantly banging into a chain link fence. (Shameless Walking Dead reference! Lol!).

On the brink of change....craving it really. But what? That's what I keep asking myself. I feel this yearning to be passionate about something. A cause, a goal, a reason to my days. No, this isn't discrediting my children. They are, and will always be, my world. But they are growing. Stretching THEIR wings. And not needing Mama quite so much. Leaving this Mama with time to reflect on herself, for the first time in a long time.

Oh the possibilities! Education, health and fitness, a job out of the house, a home based business, volunteering! How do I choose? How to make my mind settle? I suddenly feel like I want SO much.

It leaves me reeling. Unsettled. Shifty in my own skin.

But also so excited! Energized. Hopeful and optimistic.

What DOES the future hold for me? What say you, 2013?! I'm ready. Waiting and listening. With open ears, eyes and heart.

Lets DO this!

Smiles, Be well,

Crystal

Crazy is as crazy does?!

We hurled ourselves into the holiday spirit 100% yesterday.

After an overnight of dog sitting, (one was a bolter, which could be a whole other post),  we loaded into the van.  Giant list in hand.

Being that I hadn't thoroughly thought out our morning, we inconveniently hit the road all hungry and ready for lunch.  So, after barely passing go, we found ourselves in Quiznos; two blocks away.  Slowed us down slightly, but even I am not crazy enough to embark on christmas shopping with 3 HUNGRY kids. 

With full bellies we continued on to our first stop on the list: Michael's.  The place was packed, my kids were smitten with all the shiny, prominantly displayed goods, BUT were there ever deals to be had!  Woot!  So with only a few 'we aren't here shopping for you' statements, a mild disagreement over who was going to be in/on/pushing the cart, and an exasperated Madison re-organizing our picks in the cart so they soothed her OCD twitches, we left there with some mega deals (A gorgeous frame, regular $60 for $14, to name one!), 4 people crossed off my list, and a few things towards others.  Michael's 0 - Grove's 1.

Next up, Mayfair Mall.  Specifically Toys R Us, first and foremost. 

We spent what seemed like HOURS combing EVERY isle of that toy store.  Touching everything, pushing every button, lighting up all we could.  I kept my eyes open for ideas for a couple small people (other than my own) I'm shopping for, but the main idea was to finalize the 'Santa' letters.  All three of my kids had some ideas, but I wanted to broaden the horizon a bit, and honestly possibly sway one idea that I think a particular kid would have been disappointed with.  Maybe not fair, but when I'm going to buy whatever they actually want, I'd like to be sure it was an informed decision and hopefully not something that will be gathering just in the closet by New Years.

We left dazzled, worn out, thirsty and hungry (again!).  Sounds like a food court stop right?!  You betcha!  We shared a poutine and a couple Orange Julius smoothies.  Yum.

Refreshed we set out again and over the next couple hours checked out and shopped at West 49, Seeing is Believing, The Source, Aeropostale and Stitches.  Plus played with the remote control tanks and cars at a kiosk, watched a young boy play a baby grand piano, evaded the giant line to sit with Santa (bad Mama?!), listened in on a group of violinists and checked out the fish in a salt water aquarium.

By the time we headed back to the van I had found several more gifts, played with everything you can touch at Seeing is Believing and bought multiple items for the christmas crackers I am making for this years dinner.  Successful?  For the most part, yes.  Unfortunately, we had also covered biting, punching, scratching and tears too.  Those parts, not so fun. 

As we made our way out of the mass of cars in the parking lot, I had a crying and angry toddler and sulking tween.  Haha.  Good times.

Last stop on the way home was Save On Foods.  I had to grab something for dinner and wanted to hit up a few of their buy one/get one sales in my efforts to load up the freezers for over the holidays.  Everyone had composed themselves by then and it was a painless, and even fun at times, shop.  Resulting in more than I intended to get (this always happens, doesn't it?) but a whopping 'You saved $60' at the bottom of my receipt.  Again, woot!  Love good deals.

Our day ended with dinner, assembling some christmasy Michael's crafts (should have read the labels more carefully, there were close to 300 pieces between all 3!  Oops!), walking up the street to the most impressive christmas light display I've ever seen, popcorn, eggnog and Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.

All in all?  Crazy?  Sure.  Rough spots?  Of course.  An overall awesome day with my 3 favorite little people that had our love and christmas tanks topped up to FULL?!  You better believe it. 

Smiles, Be Well, Crystal

Hint #467 you might have too much on your mind...

So. Being a stay at home Mom to 3 kids, while hubby is away in camp for weeks on end has me pretty busy. As you can imagine. I do my best, but certainly don't ever feel like I get it all done. But I'm okay with that. I think I have my priorities right in concentrating on happy, healthy, secure, well rounded kids first, laundry all folded and put away second. Right?!

I typically don't get terribly overwhelmed, and feel we manage quite fine. We certainly get into a nice routine.

But then things like what happened today, when doing the after school pick up come about. And I have to graciously digress. Lane was home with me today. No preschool. Which turned out to be a good thing, because he seems to have a flu bug. Whiny, clingy, pale and vomiting. Good times.

Then I get a call from the school. Madison herself. 'Mama, I don't feel very well'. After a doctors visit regarding her sore throat, she has been sent home waiting on the results to determine what sort of respiratory bug she has and to nurse the flu symptoms she has as well. Double good times.

 That leaves Lauren. Lovely middle child who never seems to catch anything. I credit that to her being a thumb sucker (still), and as gross as it is, getting her fill of germs to develop antibodies too. Gross to the germ exposure, enough already to the thumb sucking, but thank you for not usually making my sick kid quota 3 for 3.

Anyways, with only two at home, I still had to make a school run to gather number three. With all the craziness of my two sickies, time got away from me and I frantically leaped into the van and sped off once I realized I was running late. Upon arrival spots to park were scarce. Typically I'd park down the block and walk over. Imagine my surprise and embarrassment when it suddenly hit me that I had dashed out in my 'chore' clothes. And not just any chore clothes. Thread bare leggings with holes in them, an ancient tank top, NO bra and shoes I had slipped on that couldn't even begin to pull it all together. Awful. At best.

  So there I was, doing laps, with the window down, watching for Lauren to come out so I could (calmly and normally) yell at her to come out and meet me.

  Chalk up another 'A day in the life of a Mom' moment for me. A particularly lovely one, too. Lesson learned? Why not get dressed properly first thing in the morning for now on?

Smiles, Be well, Crystal

Toast, by any other name, is still just frickin' toast!

Good day fine followers and readers! I've popped in to toss out a quick post. A bone of sorts. With no commitments, other than to say, I am currently thinking in 'blog' mode again.

Let's see what comes of it, shall we?!

Now, to what I actually have to talk about.

Breakfast. More precisely; toast. Sounds simple, right? About the most basic of options, along with cereal I'd say. Well, don't assume anything. (We all know what that does, right? Makes an ASS out of U and ME. Haha.)

Sorry....sidetracked. As I was saying. Toast. For breakfast. Should be, and likely is for most, an easy breakfast option. I wish. Let me break down 'toast' as breakfast for the 3 smalls around here.

Take a deep breath...cause it's most immpresive said in one giant run on sentence....

3 pieces, 1 toasted, 2 not, 2 without crusts, 3 with peanut butter, 1 with banana, 1 with jam, 1 left whole, 1 cut in 4 squares, 1 cut in 2 triangles.

Whew! And no, I'm not even kidding in the slightest.

The real thrill of it all?! That on each and every morning, when 'toast' is the breakfast of choice, all 3 kids recite their preferences again for me. Raising their voices over each other and repeating themselves if they think I wasn't listening to any one in particular.

You should see what happens to poor Brad when he happens to be home and makes the silly mistake of offering breakfast. Cause he doesn't know ANYTHING! It's something like throwing a steak bone to a pack of rabid dogs.

Toast. An easy breakfast. Ha!

Mama. Do I have any other name?!

I have something to confess.

It's ridiculous, and took me a few days to figure out. (thank goodness I did, cause I thought I may be crazy for awhile!). I have back to school jitters. No, not about ME going to school. (Although, that will be a whole other rollcoaster I'm sure.). It's the kids going to school. Or, more specifically, LANE going to school.

My baby. My last. The last one to whom which I'm their whole world.

And I'm devastated.

I cry at Pampers commercials. At 'A baby story'. (Which I haven't watched since being pregnant with Madison, just thought I'd up the anti I guess). While I hold his hand and kiss his face while he sleeps. I'm generally a teary mess.

I KNOW he will love school. That it's good for him. That I survived the other two making the same first steps. That he will still need and want me in so many ways. That I will, in fact, and after adjustment, enjoy the short time of reprieve. Even that I NEED it. Yes, I know all this. But it still hurts.

I've even been yearning for another baby. Yup, THAT's how down I am. In 'have another' stage to fill the void. Yikes.

I suppose part of it being so much harder this time around, other than my baby growing up and stretching his wings, is what the hell am I other than a Mom?! For 10+ years now I've only thought, done, functioned for these 3 kids. What will I do? Where will I go? I don't even know where to begin. I feel lost. Scared. Over whelmed. I just have no idea where it leaves me.

Here I am presented with a big, HUGE playing field. Of what/who I am to become. For the first time in a LONG time I'm faced with wondering what I want. What I want to do. What I want to be. What I am, after, and as well as Mom.

Those are big questions. Ones I'm not accustomed to. Time to do some thinking and planning and dreaming.

Once I'm done crying.

Smiles, Be well,

Crystal

Easing out of summer...

Wow. August 31th. Already. Sigh. Another summer passing.

The chill in the evening air is definite. Windows are being closed. Jammies are being used. Extra blankets are unfolding out of cupboards. It's distinct and welcome. How I love to sleep in cooler air. No more hair stuck to a sweaty neck or puffy, blurry eyes in the morning. Yes, I do like these first hints that summer is coming to a close.

School is only 6 short days away. Grades 2 and 5 for the girls. Preschool for Lane. Back to regular bedtimes, alarm clocks, homework, scheduled activities and ROUTINE. I like routine. By this time of year I'm craving it. Yearning for it. It makes me feel comforted and safe.

I'm also planning soups, homemade breads and baked treats in my head. Dusting off the slow cooker and buying stew meat for the freezer. Wondering if everyone has slippers that still fit. Putting another blanket in the dogs crate. Hunkering down rituals I guess. Perhaps I would thrive in an actual cold climate?!

But I'm not quite ready to let summer go. Oh no. Not just yet. We took in a 'Movie Under the Stars' last night, are eating watermelon for breakfast and are heading to the beach this afternoon. While I welcome fall, I'm still squeezing every last drop out of summer. Soon enough I'll vacuum the sand out of the van, stow away the cooler and beach toys and no longer smell the heady scent of sunscreen and tanning oil. Not a minute too soon though. We will revel in these last few days of unscheduled, lazy, sun filled, sandy days of summer.

The last of the days before my 3 sweet little ones are grown up a whole year by a new grade status. Sob. That's a whole other post....

Smiles, Be Well,

Crystal

The beginning of cracks.....

It started yesterday. Day 10. I lost my mojo.

We had been coasting quite nicely, and the previous 9 days had honestly flown by without a hitch. Sure, I had been going to bed ridiculously early. I hadn't been able to keep up on everything around the house. But, basically, things were good. Most importantly, the kids had been happy. We had been busy, having fun, and Brad's absence had only been a minor ripple on our already constantly rippling pond.

Then came day 10. I was tired. I was cranky. The kids were also feeling a little over run. (Remember I mentioned the busy fun we'd been having? That means later bed times!) I lost my stride.

My patience was short. I was giving in purely 'cause it was easier. Another juice box? Sure. Just one more show before bed? Whatever. Ice cream and chips at the grocery store? As long as you're quiet.

I needed an escape. Since it wasn't possible to actually leave, I was into whatever it took to be able to lay on my bed and withdraw for awhile. A check-out, if you will. Undisturbed. Eat what you want. Drink whatever you wish. Watch that which suits your fancy on TV. Just do it without me, and quietly.

Wrong? Perhaps. Life altering? I doubt it. Badly needed to keep on with the next 10 days? Absolutely.

We survived. Day 10 is behind us. Day 11 has been WAY better. I've taken the reins again and said no to too much sugar, tv, boundary pushing. They weren't ruined in an evening of slacking off, and have fell back in line accordingly. Well done, children. I still haven't ruined you.

The cracks have been patched, for now. I'm sure they'll resurface eventually. That's only normal though, right? I'd feel way too robotic if there weren't struggles now and again. It's nicer to feel, cope and move on than to varnish a glossy veneer and fester inside.

Bring on the next 8! I'm ready.

Smiles, Be Well,

Crystal

You know you're getting older when.....

I had a bit of an 'Aha!' moment last night.

Men in Black was on tv. My girls were watching together, and when Lauren inquired who was 'in' it, Madison replied 'Will Smith'. After being met with a blank stare she explained further; 'You know, Willow's Dad.'. Which immediately clarified for Lauren.

Sure makes you feel old when your kids are referencing movie stars of MY day by their up and coming children.

Ouch.

Smiles, Be well,

Crystal

The Things We Carry.

Sorry for the gap in posts. I was unable to sign into my account for some reason. The 'glitch' seems to be fixed now. Hurray!

I attended a workshop on writing for Island Parent Magazine recently. It was fun and informative, motivating me to get on writing and submitting potential articles to them. I'll let you know if any get published!

They had a 10 minute 'prompt' style challenge. Where we each wrote about whatever came to mind, with the option to share or just listen afterwards.

The prompt was 'The Things We Carry'.

Here is what came to me:

The Things We Carry...

How often did we cringe, as young, carefree children when our elders used a word, a phrase, a point 100 times too many?

Your Mom using your middle name on which was surely the fifth time calling you in for dinner.

Your babysitter preaching that 'It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye'.

Your Nana starting a story with 'I'm sure I've told you this - but...' and indeed embarking on a story you remember better than her by now.

I remember the exasperation, the eye rolling, the tuning out of said anecdotes and words.

Then, unbeknownst to me, I grew up. I've had children of my own. I've caught myself in the same snarls of life, using those once scoffed at expressions.

Now though, even as I catch myself and see the inevitable eye roll from my own smalls, I feel love in these sayings.

I feel closer to my Mom. My Nana. Other, now considered wise, adults who have shaped my life. I pause and ponder, 'What else was that she said?'

I use these small tools and bits of knowledge when sharing and bestowing wisdom to friends and family.

They have become some of the most cherished things I carry.

Smiles, Be Well,

Crystal

Horton hears a......Lane?!

My world was shook up yesterday.

My two year old may have a life long fear of elevators.

It was definitely a 'gold star' moment for Mommy of the Year awards.

We were at my Mom's condo, riding the elevator up. Myself and the 3 kiddies, as we do all the time. Upon arrival at her floor we all (or so I thought) burst out and headed for her door. I was already gracing the premises and chatting at my sister inside when I heard my girls' panicked shouts.

'Lane's inside still! The door SHUT!'

OMG....what?! I spun around and took in the scene. My girls staring open mouthed at the indeed, closed door. One frantically pushing the call button. Both looking shell shocked. Irrationally I, too, started slapping at the call buttons. Up, down, WHATEVER! Just open the god damn door! To make matters worse, there are TWO side by side elevators, and of course the other one kept opening for us. My sister joined us in the hall, just in time for us all to hear Lane's cries drifting up or down the shaft and leaking through the doors. The saddest sound ever.

After shouting 'stay here!' I hit the stairwell and bounded down, two, three stairs at a time. All I was sure of is I didn't want him coming out street level, alone, or, horror of horrors, to the open arms of strangers. I again frantically hit the buttons and called his name. A heart wrenching plea made it's way to me...'Me here! Me here! It's Lane!' Oh. Sob. I could actually hear him passing by the still closed doors, and his voice fading as he went up and down.

Then. Silence. My heart stopped. What happened?! Finally! The door opened! A sickening drop of my stomach. He wasn't in there! Oh. My. God. What floor is he on? It's not mine, so please let it be where I left my sister. Otherwise there are 14 other floors and 3 below ground levels of parking. And so many possible dangers.

During this eternity (maybe 3 minutes?!) a young couple had come in from the street. They stood back, probably thinking I was insane, as I talked through the doors, trying desperately to console the sobbing voice they most certainly heard. As the silence fell, and doors slid open to nothing I'm sure I looked stricken. I stumbled over my words, explaining the situation and asking them to let me into the stairwell. (Worst timing ever to need a PHOB to get anywhere in a secure building)

Again, I dashed through the stairwell, hoping against hope he'd be with my sister and girls. Bursting through the doors, my eyes feasted on the sight of him. He turned upon hearing me and stumbled across the threshold on shaky legs, sobbing and falling into my open arms.

Between hugs, kisses and 'I'm so, SO sorrys' he too, clung to me, crying his hardest and exclaiming 'Don't EVER do that to me AGAIN.'

You know what?! I won't. I can guarantee I will never step out of an elevator again without all my smalls accounted for.

That is, if I ever get him to set foot in one again.

Smiles, Be well,

Crystal

Wee man pee.

Lane comes up to me saying 'Mom, Mom, come see! I made foot prints!'. Okaaaay....I'm thinking as I get up to see. Sure enough, there they are, cute little two year old foot prints meandering in circles on the hardwood. But they are awfully wet. We DID just walk in from the pool however.....? Hmmmm. Where IS the towel on the floor that must be so wet?! Wait....what's THAT?! The puddle of.....of....?! 'Lane! What is that?!'. 'Pee!'. He exclaims proudly. Oh dear.

The footprints ARE still pretty cute though!

Smiles, Be well,

Crystal

Fallers Wife Angst

Today is the first day Brad is actually falling again. Due to some circumstances out of our control he ended up with his first 2 days off. So, while I felt I was adjusting well to him being gone, last night it kind of hit me. Not him being away. But his god forsaken line of work. It's scary. It's dangerous; second most after Alaskan crab fishing apparently. There are so many 'what ifs' that lurk up while I lay still in the dark trying to push them down and get some rest. Two major 'what ifs' are thankfully not part of this job. No helicopter or float plane rides. Hurray for that. The act of falling the trees is still so nerve racking though. Words like 'snag' and 'widow maker' do nothing to quell my unease. Yes, I feel assured he is good at what he does. Yes, I believe he won't put himself in a situation that isn't reasonable. But while I run these things through my mind, other, brutal scenarios still fight to rear their ugly heads. Sigh. It is what it is though. I'm sure after day one, and each subsequent day, my racing mind will quiet. The day to day of being home alone with three kids will take over more and more of my physical and mental energy. Leaving me to do nothing else but crash at the end of the day. I will welcome the fatigue with gratitude. Anything to put an end to the awful 'what ifs' playlist on repeat in my head.

Be safe, Brad.

Smiles, Be Well,

Crystal

What's in a Name?

Morning, Readers,

Wow, have things changed around here! Some major, life shifting, changes.

We've left three jobs, and picked up one new (old) one. I politely declined continuing my 'second' job as part of my 'scaling' down efforts to re-balance myself. You may remember some struggles I was having awhile back. A lot stemmed from too much on my plate. I was still left with my job at Starbucks though. A job I actually really, REALLY enjoyed. It was an excellent adult/social outlet for me after spending so many hours with my 3 babes. It was easy, I was good at it, and for the most part, enjoyed every minute of it. But there were downfalls. Downfalls that slowly started showing themselves over the 18 months I worked there. Things that, at first, seemed a fair exchange for what we gained. Gradually though, I started questioning whether it was worth it. My house became harder and harder to keep nice. Basics were getting done, but piles of clutter, paperwork, STUFF were starting to inhabit closets, corners, flat surfaces. Laundry was never ALL done. Kids toys were in random bins everywhere. Library books and shoes were missing. It became apparent that with 3 kids, 2 working parents, and very little time when those 2 parents were home together, that we were lacking in both time and energy to get more than the basics done. After feeding, bathing, homework, school runs, grocery shopping, laundry (some!), dishes and bedtime, our tanks were running dry. My heart tank was starting to run dry. It ate at me that things were unraveling. On the school front I was missing field trips, concerts, plays, sporting events. I was forgetting to send a towel on swim days, shoes on track days, a coveted item on show and tell days. I had faint memories of reading and signing field trip forms, and monthly 'overviews' of upcoming events. I still forgot many. I didn't get to read to them 4 evenings a week. I didn't get to help with homework more than half the school week. I was missing snuggles, bathes and tuck-ins. On the other hand, Brad was working all day and then dragging himself through all these routines on dead feet. Missing me, and my help, while I felt I was missing out. It wasn't working for us. It slowly became apparent that the sacrifices we were making just weren't worth it.

We talked about what we needed. For our relationship, our family life, our monetary existence. Everything. It looked more and more like Brad returning to falling, and 'camp life', would provide sustenance for all these things. Yes, he would be gone for extended periods of time. Yes, I would lose my 'adult time' outlet. Yes, it wouldn't be all easy. BUT, it would provide us quality time together when he was off, it would allow me to re-invest myself in my top 3 priorities; my kids, it would give us the chance to alleviate much financial stress and plan for 'extras' as well. So I left Starbucks. Brad left his job. I became a camp wife again. We have embarked on a camp life.

We are on day 2. So far, so good. It will take some settling in. There will be a learning curve. Brad will be missed. He will miss us. In my heart though, I feel peace. I believe this was a good move. I believe I will start to feel whole again. Not empty and stretched and grasping.

That brings me to the post title, 'What's in a Name?' Part of my commitment to this new endeavor is to also get back in touch with my Blog. I need it. As an outlet for my thoughts, feelings, days recounting. To keep myself in touch with that 'outside world' I've stepped away from. It helps me to relax, gather my thoughts and reflect. It WILL likely take on a new feel though. That of a stay-at-home Mama living on her own for stretches of time. Sooooo....I am changing the Blog name. I've never been satisfied with what it is called now anyways, so it fits my 'new leaf' sort of life right now too.

Stay tuned. Change will happen in next few days.

Smiles, Be Well, Crystal

Emotional Wreck

I'm back. Sort of. I actually don't feel as if I have been totally absent. Yes, I realize I haven't posted for almost 2 months, I get that. What I mean is my mind has been so darn FULL of what I want to say, need to say, am trying to say, that blogging has been in the forefront daily. It has just been too much. Too much emotion, thoughts, feelings. I couldn't articulate it. Not into something that didn't go on and on. I'm going to try to now. A snippet at least. Let you in on where I've been, where I am coming from. It isn't exactly pretty. It is still going on. It has been a struggle.

I have been sad. Overwhelmed. Lonely. Consumed with so many emotions. Feeling very inadequate. Not a good enough wife, mom, friend. Not even much of a person. Seeing so much I want to do, ways to improve, things I believe will make me feel better. But have had zero energy to take it on. Been almost paralyzed with the enormity of it. Where do you begin when you don't think you amount to much? When you think you are really good at fooling people into believing you are someone worth being friends with, but don't believe you are indeed such a person yourself? Kind of insurmountable, right?

I think I am weighed down by 'what was'. Or 'who was'. Not ready to let go of where I've been, what has been, and make a go of 'now'. We are in a new city. (Still new enough, believe me) New work, schools, people. We have made friends. Wonderful friends in my opinion. People who like us, want to spend time with us, and who we have a really good time with. But, it is still new. I think I yearn for old friendships, times spent, people no longer part of my life. The history you have with those long-time friends. So much so that I'm not being open to what could be. What is right in front of my face.

I think the 'old friends' is easier. They have seen, and been part of so much. I am comfortable in knowing that they really KNOW me, and still like me. So I must be likable. Naturally as time passes, as we grow older, so do these friendships fade. Some seem to be going away forever, some evolving as we do, some are just the same, but with miles between us now. I have a hard time with the going away part. I am too needy, perhaps. I take it too personally. I get it, it happens. But it still hurts. And if 'old' friends don't want to still be friends, it haunts me. Makes me wonder how anyone new could want to invest. Makes me nervous to put myself out there for more hurt.

So. There it is. Part of what has been eating at me. Heartache for what was. Fear of what could be. Me really needing to stop over thinking and just let things be. I know I make friends easily. Until a certain point. Then I put a wall up and don't let them too close. I start to feel smothered as the friendship grows, and gets better, and becomes what I want....but seem reluctant to commit to. Then I am lonely and sad and missing those 'old' friends again. Messed up. I know. Something I am working on. Putting it out there will help.

Also, I'm 30 in 11 days. At risk of being cliche, I think it is actually bothering me! I never have been one to care about such things. I have to wonder if all this emotional upheaval is directly related though. I am truly an emotional wreck of late. 30. Hmmmm. What does that mean?

I guess you can consider this 'Part 1'. There is more. Believe me. LOTS more. This is all I am up to for now though.

Smiles, Be well,

Crystal

The moments we live for.....

Man oh man do I love my kids. They are quite simply what makes my heart beat, my lungs fill with breath, my feet hit the ground in the morning. Yes, I gripe. Yes, it isn't always sunshine and rainbows. 'It' is HARD. Nurturing, influencing, educating these little people. Tiring, draining, relentlessly hard work. But SO very rewarding.

A few snippets of sigh-worthy moments of late....

Lane has taken to asking 'Teach me Mama, teach me'. How awesome is that?! He has a thirst, yearning, hunger for the world around him. So much to see, do, LEARN. I marvel at how quickly he catches on, how he remembers, how he questions. How he is becoming kind, thoughtful and loving. How simply inspiring to be directly influencing THAT!

A couple of days ago the girls were watching something on Family channel. An 'Anti-Bullying' commercial came on where a boy is hiding in a locker. Lauren was quite alarmed and asked what was going on. I told her why he might be hiding, why they were advertising those sorts of things and why it is so important how we treat people so as not to make anyone feel the need to hide. She still seemed kind of upset, and Madison noticed, so she said to her 'Lauren, don't worry, we don't have any bullies at our school'. After which Lauren visibly relaxed. Now, of course their school may have bullies, but how fantastic that my 9 year old hasn't noticed it?! How my heart swelled to hear that as of yet they haven't been subject to such torment OR witnessed it! How great that, maybe, MAYBE their school is doing such a great job creating a nurturing, respectful, positive environment that, indeed, they don't have any bullies! Kudos to the school, and kudos to the kids for making it such a wonderful place to learn and grow in.

And last night. Oh you should have been here to see what I saw last night. I worked, so Brad was home with the kids for dinner, homework, bedtime. When I got home he explained to me how Lane had asked to sleep with the girls. (Just so you know...they have been sleeping together in the spare room in a queen size bed we had set up for holiday company.) I was incredulous to how it could have ever worked and probably said 'you're kidding me, right?!' He, being the softy he is, told me 'I should have seen how he asked', the whole 'Pleeease Daddy' routine and all. So, I guess he told him he could have ONE chance to settle down and go to sleep. That the girls have school in the morning...yadda yadda yadda. Well...guess what?! He fell asleep with them! Quickly, with no issues! So, as a last image before I went to bed, I gazed in at my 3 sweet, loving, content children cuddled together in slumbering bliss. How perfect. On top of that...before I went to wake them this morning, I could hear that they were already awake, laying in bed, warm and cuddling, SINGING to each other. Sigh-worthy or what?!

So there you have it. The moments we live for. Sure puts everything in perspective and makes all the other nonsense fade into the distance, doesn't it?

Smiles, Be well,

Crystal

Meh....sleep....who needs it?!

...........oh....hello. Sorry. I was yawning. I am so tired. Why? You wonder? Well, it seems my wee man, Lane, needs less and less sleep. Slowly, surely, since he turned 2 in October he has been shaving HOURS off. First it was his naps. Which were always consistent and always at least 2 hours....longer if I didn't wake him. Then, BAM! No more naps. Just like that. The first week or so he would fall asleep early evening if you weren't careful. (Those of you with little ones no how bad early evening 'naps' can be for you!) It didn't take long, though, for him to be easily making it through a day nap free. Sure, it was hard at first. Especially on me who suddenly had no 'down' time all day. But we adjusted. Also, he still slept 12 or 13 hours a night....straight...so no biggie, right?! Wait! Not so fast! Now he seems to think why not shave hours off during the night too. Again, it was gradual. Waking up between 5 or 6.....I managed to keep him fairly mellow with cuddles and singing, then we would get up for the day. Earlier than normal, yes. Tiring for me, for sure. Manageable though. Until last night. He woke up just after 4(!)am. Wide awake. BEGGING me to watch the 'puppies' movie. (Lady and the Tramp) For 2 hours I refused to actually 'get up'. I am completely unwilling to actually act as if it is normal to be up at 4. No, I don't ignore him or let him cry. I just don't start our day that early. We can cuddle. We can sing quietly. We ARE NOT watching movies. Maybe I'm wrong, but I figure if you let it happen, it will likely become a regular occurrence. I guess we will see. He fell asleep again around 6, and is still soundly sleeping. (So unfair!) So, there you have it. I'm tired....and really, really hoping this isn't the new normal for us!

Happy Friday Blog readers!

Smiles, Be well,

Crystal

Resolutions.....

Today is the day. Our holidays are officially over. We woke with blurry eyes and at least 2 swats at the snooze button. Lane's first word of the day was 'stupid'. Lauren commented she can't remember the last time she had a good sleep. Madison wondered where her agenda and reading books were. Yup, back to the grind.

Sadly, it kind of felt like our holiday come to a crashing halt last week with my sickness. Although it WAS nice to be able to stay in jammies and watch a LOT of movies, I felt bad not taking advantage of our precious last 'free' days. Plus, the weather was gorgeous. So, while I sniffled, coughed and whined, I also lamented the swimming, skating, playing that could have been. I AM on the upswing now, though. So fun WILL be had this weekend. I believe skating it is. :)

Obviously, for most of us, this time of year brings around a lot of thinking. Soul searching. Resolutions. Where are we? Where do we want to be? What do we want/need more of? What could we really do without? I have so much in my head on these thoughts I am having trouble sleeping. I'm not sure if it's just because it's a new year, because it's my 30th year living this life, or because I am really just aching for some change. Positive, uplifting, forward thinking, life fulfilling CHANGE. Whatever the reason, I am going to strive to make some differences. Here are some of my thoughts on where I want this year to lead....

~ Health. I take it for granted. Even with how I 'suffered' through this week long sickness, I am humbled to think how, for so many, their health is a daily, weekly, monthly, YEARLY struggle. How lucky I am to have a fully WELL functioning body. To have healthy children. My first resolution is to LIVE healthier. More exercise, more water, more vegetables. I also intend to work harder at instilling such habits and values in my kids.

~ Education. I haven't done anything since high school. Stupidly, I didn't try very hard at that in the later years either. This is the year to get the ball rolling again. I'm daunted, to say the least. I was more than able to be an excellent student, so I plan to draw on that and finally bring it to fruition. I have started with the most basic of inquiring emails and have the box out that contains my high school transcripts. Next step, set up a meeting to see where I stand and what I need to do. Stay tuned...I will need the support.

~ Happiness. Seems simple, right? For me, I need to fine tune some things. I am going to strive to be more POSITIVE. To surround myself with positive people. To think before I speak. To breath before I react. To be more in the moment. To listen better. To not validate those people and things that seek to dim my light, unintentional or not.

~ Wealth. I'm going back to basics with this one. I am going to consciously SAVE. Off every pay cheque. Not matter what. Of all my resolutions, this is going to be the HARDEST, but a lesson I really, REALLY need to learn. I. WILL. PUT. MONEY. AWAY.

So, there you have it. A condensed version of my wildly spinning thoughts on resolutions right now. Health. Education. Happiness. Wealth. Not necessarily in that order. Each should work hand in hand to develop them all as a whole. Me, as a whole.

I would love your thoughts. Your encouragement. Your support. Your help in holding me accountable. For 2011 I intend to think BIG. Let's do this!

Smiles, Be well,

Crystal

*Bliss*

Good morning Blog readers,

So. Here we are. In the stunned, worn out, holiday void between christmas and new years eve. For me, 'worn out' is an understatement. I am actually brutally ill. Too much craziness, too little sleep = upper respiratory infection, breathing tube infection and a left lung that 'doesn't sound good'. :( So it looks like I will ring in the new year in a drug induced, hacking, wheezing, feverish stupor....waiting for the antibiotics to kick in and kill these germs! I can't say I am all that sad. It is kind of nice to have a great excuse to not have to suck it up and find one last burst of energy just because it's 'New Years Eve'. I'm thinking some Thai take-out, popcorn and maybe the new Harry Potter with my favorite people is just the thing I need this year. Can't say I'm evening planning on seeing midnight. Sounds perfect, don't you think?!

I have to say, though, even being sick now, it was so worth it. 'It' being the christmas craziness of course. What a wonderful time we had. How lucky, blessed, spoiled I am to be surrounded by such beautiful people in my life. Even better?! The most 'beautiful' of said people? My own kids! How I marvel what fantastic little beings they are each and every day. While another year slips away, and I brush tears aside remembering what stages and memories are coming to a close with it, I can't help but smile, beam even, over the FUN, LOVE, LAUGHTER we have shared. To make such memories with such wonderful people is pure bliss.

MADISON - Girl, you ROCK. I am so proud of the lovely young lady you are becoming. Your thoughtfulness, humor, and huge heart are an inspiration to me everyday. You see, and appreciate, the little things. You take risks and challenge yourself. You are a great big sister AND great friend. I love your inquisitive mind, the fact that you question things, your zest for reading. I think it's great how you love to play games, and look forward to playing many more with you. So often I look at you and think, WOW, are you SMART. Continue to be you. To grow in, learn from and question the world around you. You are beautiful, inside and out and I couldn't ask for a more awesome daughter. 'To the Moon and Back' XO

LAUREN - My favorite 6 year old. You are the coolest little being. I love and admire how you take on life, 100%. My heart swells to hear and see what a thoughtful, helpful, kind person you are becoming. You have such a tough shell...who would know what a gooey center was inside?! Man are you a super cuddler! I am so proud of how hard you try at everything, even if you find it a challenge. That's an admirable asset. You are awesome at being the middle child. Such a great little sister AND a great big sister. Good job. You are fun, loving and add humor to every day. Keep on attacking life with such vigor, you will reap the rewards. 'As Big as a Mountain' XO

LANE - Dude, what a cool little man you are. 2 years old and so, SO smart. I marvel at your vocabulary and skills. Wow, are you learning a lot from your big sisters. They, too, learn a lot from you. You are an awesome baby brother, and so adored by the whole household. Your curiosity is contagious. Your memory amazing. I know I enjoy reading to, and teaching you, as much as you enjoy soaking it up. You are so FUNNY for a little guy. You just get it. That's awesome. I love that you have introduced 'big trucks' 'monsters' and 'tools' to our world; it is better for it. Continue thriving, wee man, you have only just begun. 'To Infinity and Beyond' XO

So, goodbye 2010. You have been good to us. We have blossomed in so many ways. We are so lucky and honored to be surrounded by such amazing people in our lives. To share, grow and experience this life together. I know I have it good. I know I am blessed. I am truly humbled.

Bring on 2011! Onwards and upwards.

Smiles, Be well,

Crystal

The broken finger incident....

Hello!

So...I have had a lot of inquiries about my broken finger. Yup, that's right, for those of you just finding out, I broke my finger. How would I sum it up? I'd have to say draining. About 24 hours following the actually incident and all the drama that followed, I was totally wiped out. (and, no, it wasn't just the pain killers!) Here's what happened....

*Disclaimer! It turned into a really LONG story...my apologies!*

I had all three kids in the van and was rushing off to the grocery store. (Note - I don't think we ever head anywhere NOT rushing) I was dressed for work, and had little more than an hour to grab something for Brad and the kiddies to have for dinner, pick him up from work, drop them all off and get to work myself. Not really a bad time frame under normal circumstances...as I said, I'm used to rushing! As leaped in the van myself I simultaneously went to close the door with my left hand and put my seat belt on with my right. Well, the seat belt got stuck. So I let go of the door and grabbed the belt near the top with that hand, giving it a good yank. As quick as a flash the seat belt let go, my hand (with thumb and first two fingers gripping belt and second two sticking out) shot up and out the door, and the door, which apparently was still slamming shut, did so on my ring finger. Wait....give me a moment....deep breaths....deep breaths.....! Okay. Obviously I instantly exclaimed (no profanities, I'm proud to say), opened the door, looked at my finger and almost vomited. Tears sprung to my eyes as my kids asked in worried voices 'what's wrong Mama?'. Said finger was bent backwards and to the side at almost a 90 degree angle. My first thought you ask? Funnily enough it was 'I don't think I can work'! I told the kids to stay put, hopped out of the van, my hand held up and to the side because looking at it made it so much worse. Quickly I ran inside, grabbed a bag of ice, a baggie and called work. My stoic calm evaded me upon having to say (sob) out loud 'I can't come to work, I think my finger is broken....(more gasping sobs)....it's CROOKED!' That dealt with I returned to the van, more composed, but tears still streaming, and asked Madison to 'put some ice in the baggie for me please'. She had the best view from the front seat and looked at me, quite pale herself, and said 'But Mama, where are we going? Your finger is crooked!'. To which I calmly replied 'Yes, I know honey, but we have to pick up Daddy'.

Needless to say, upon seeing Brad, any calm demeanor I was clinging to flew right out the window. I held up my hand and sobbed. He jumped out of the truck he had just pulled up in, looked at my finger and got me in the van, heading off to seek treatment. (I will mention our friend Brant offered, with a barely concealed grin, to straighten it for me, to which I declined in horror) We dashed off, me crying, Brad driving, Madison texting (upon my request) my Mom to let her know they (the kids) were on their way. By now the finger was basically numb, kind of pulsing, but nothing too terrible. Any time I looked at it, it brought on fresh tears though.

So, with kids dropped off, we headed for a walk in clinic. (Not until after Brad mentioned he was starving and hinted at stopping for food though! Needless to say, without so much as a word, we kept on towards the clinic!) Upon getting in to see the doctor he asked 'So what happened?' I told him and held up my hand for him to see. Do you know what he did?! Without a word of warning?! He grabbed it...and STRAIGHTENED it!!! Oh man did I cry, and scream, and cry. I'm pretty sure the words 'I'd rather have another baby than THIS!' escaped my mouth. lol After binding (more tears and whimpers) it to part of a tongue depressor, he sent us of to the ER. Cause guess what?! Not only was it certainly broken, he thought the tendon was off. Oh goodie.

Now we found ourselves at the Royal Jubilee ER. About 5:30 at night. With no hope of being there less than 3 hours. (It ended up being 5) :S Brad dropped me off and went to fill the T3 prescription from the first doctor for me and grab something to eat. After being admitted, and watching/listening to all the stories and characters only the ER seems to attract, I took a seat to wait. And wait, and wait, and wait. Happily Brad returned with the pills and I slept on his shoulder for part of it! Finally we were brought through the doors....to wait some more. Totally tricky. After being called into a room to see a nurse and tell my story again, we were sent to X-ray. Guess what I did there?! Yup...waited some more. By now my Mom was with me, since she and Brad had swapped jobs so the kids could get home to bed. Being a total Mom and seeing how I was starting to hurt again, but how loopy I was after the first round of pills, she went to get me a sub. After my X-rays, I again waited. What a group of people there were there! One old, likely homeless man kept asking for rolling papers claiming 'this place would be SO much better if we just got high'! Another young mom of a 2 year old kept yelling at the same man to 'stop talking to my son'! Ahh....good times. Finally! I saw the doctor. Guess what he did?! Unwrapped my finger while I stood there, in front of everyone and cried again! He then started trying on various splints....yes, as I continued to cry. Yes, still standing beside waiting room, in front of everyone. Eventually it was splinted and taped and he took me to see the X-rays. Want to know the good news he had for me?! He thought I may need surgery(!) and a pin(!) to put it back together properly, and was sending me to a plastic surgeon in the morning. Fack!

Round three. Next morning. Plastic surgeon's office. After more waiting, more X-rays and another drug induced nap in the waiting room, I saw the surgeon. Who had good news! The bones were lined up as good as he'd hope to get them with a pin! Prognosis? 3 weeks in a splint (awkward, but doable) then one more visit to him after 4 weeks. If all has gone well I should be good to go. Maybe with a little physio to regain mobility.

Whew! There you have it. Sorry it was an absurdly long story.

Smiles, be well,

(Mallet finger!) Crystal