I'm back. Sort of. I actually don't feel as if I have been totally absent. Yes, I realize I haven't posted for almost 2 months, I get that. What I mean is my mind has been so darn FULL of what I want to say, need to say, am trying to say, that blogging has been in the forefront daily. It has just been too much. Too much emotion, thoughts, feelings. I couldn't articulate it. Not into something that didn't go on and on. I'm going to try to now. A snippet at least. Let you in on where I've been, where I am coming from. It isn't exactly pretty. It is still going on. It has been a struggle.
I have been sad. Overwhelmed. Lonely. Consumed with so many emotions. Feeling very inadequate. Not a good enough wife, mom, friend. Not even much of a person. Seeing so much I want to do, ways to improve, things I believe will make me feel better. But have had zero energy to take it on. Been almost paralyzed with the enormity of it. Where do you begin when you don't think you amount to much? When you think you are really good at fooling people into believing you are someone worth being friends with, but don't believe you are indeed such a person yourself? Kind of insurmountable, right?
I think I am weighed down by 'what was'. Or 'who was'. Not ready to let go of where I've been, what has been, and make a go of 'now'. We are in a new city. (Still new enough, believe me) New work, schools, people. We have made friends. Wonderful friends in my opinion. People who like us, want to spend time with us, and who we have a really good time with. But, it is still new. I think I yearn for old friendships, times spent, people no longer part of my life. The history you have with those long-time friends. So much so that I'm not being open to what could be. What is right in front of my face.
I think the 'old friends' is easier. They have seen, and been part of so much. I am comfortable in knowing that they really KNOW me, and still like me. So I must be likable. Naturally as time passes, as we grow older, so do these friendships fade. Some seem to be going away forever, some evolving as we do, some are just the same, but with miles between us now. I have a hard time with the going away part. I am too needy, perhaps. I take it too personally. I get it, it happens. But it still hurts. And if 'old' friends don't want to still be friends, it haunts me. Makes me wonder how anyone new could want to invest. Makes me nervous to put myself out there for more hurt.
So. There it is. Part of what has been eating at me. Heartache for what was. Fear of what could be. Me really needing to stop over thinking and just let things be. I know I make friends easily. Until a certain point. Then I put a wall up and don't let them too close. I start to feel smothered as the friendship grows, and gets better, and becomes what I want....but seem reluctant to commit to. Then I am lonely and sad and missing those 'old' friends again. Messed up. I know. Something I am working on. Putting it out there will help.
Also, I'm 30 in 11 days. At risk of being cliche, I think it is actually bothering me! I never have been one to care about such things. I have to wonder if all this emotional upheaval is directly related though. I am truly an emotional wreck of late. 30. Hmmmm. What does that mean?
I guess you can consider this 'Part 1'. There is more. Believe me. LOTS more. This is all I am up to for now though.
Smiles, Be well,
Crystal
