I have something to confess.
It's ridiculous, and took me a few days to figure out. (thank goodness I did, cause I thought I may be crazy for awhile!). I have back to school jitters. No, not about ME going to school. (Although, that will be a whole other rollcoaster I'm sure.). It's the kids going to school. Or, more specifically, LANE going to school.
My baby. My last. The last one to whom which I'm their whole world.
And I'm devastated.
I cry at Pampers commercials. At 'A baby story'. (Which I haven't watched since being pregnant with Madison, just thought I'd up the anti I guess). While I hold his hand and kiss his face while he sleeps. I'm generally a teary mess.
I KNOW he will love school. That it's good for him. That I survived the other two making the same first steps. That he will still need and want me in so many ways. That I will, in fact, and after adjustment, enjoy the short time of reprieve. Even that I NEED it. Yes, I know all this. But it still hurts.
I've even been yearning for another baby. Yup, THAT's how down I am. In 'have another' stage to fill the void. Yikes.
I suppose part of it being so much harder this time around, other than my baby growing up and stretching his wings, is what the hell am I other than a Mom?! For 10+ years now I've only thought, done, functioned for these 3 kids. What will I do? Where will I go? I don't even know where to begin. I feel lost. Scared. Over whelmed. I just have no idea where it leaves me.
Here I am presented with a big, HUGE playing field. Of what/who I am to become. For the first time in a LONG time I'm faced with wondering what I want. What I want to do. What I want to be. What I am, after, and as well as Mom.
Those are big questions. Ones I'm not accustomed to. Time to do some thinking and planning and dreaming.
Once I'm done crying.
Smiles, Be well,
Crystal
